Today has not been any different. I still feel trapped, overwhelmed and just can’t see the future. Honestly, I really want to give up. Where on earth did my dreams go? What happened to the burning desires of my heart to hit ‘em and break new grounds. What is that tight notch on my chest, invisible, yet so heavy.
So, as pregnant me sits to type this, my almost one year old won’t stop biting and tugging at me. But as much as the super Mummy in me wants to pick him up and play while we chatter in our unique language, I got to do this.
Mummy needs to hold her own. Outside being a wife, Mum, Daughter, Sister and Friend, I have got to own mine. I have to sing my own songs and dance to my tune. Yes! Some things should be all about me. I am not selfish; I only desire a better me; for me and for all of them.
Koko keeps tugging and I don’t know what to do. Did I make a mistake? This is so crazy and everything looks impossible now. I want to cry. I want to go back in time when it was all about me but I want to take my baby Koko along. I want Bae to hold my hand right and go way back in time with me too.
A bite.
I stagger back into reality. More days than not I wake up angry, sad, tired, and scared. My head is always swirling with their needs. I live for them and sometimes it’s overwhelming.
Yet I can’t live without them. I spend every minute torturing myself with the thought of something happening to one of them and my heart breaks in fear as to what I’d do.
But listen. As these children use my body as soil to grow strong, they’ve given me something I wouldn’t trade for all the gold in the world. Every day as I rise from the previous day’s ashes, I’m introduced to a better version of myself.
Oh! My eight teeth miracle’s smile melts my heart. When I see Bae cuddle Koko, I know I made the best decision ever.
I look back again to back in time and I shut the door permanently.
Who knew I had so much love in my heart? Who knew I could see, feel, touch and kiss love? Who knew I could stretch this far, endure so much and still keep it all together( ok I confess, not every time)
I will it all again at the drop of a hat. Who knew I could juggle five things at the same time? Who knew my intuition could be so sharp?
Every time I hear my Koko laugh, smile or watch him sleep, I am filled with so much love that words can’t describe. I am reminded that this lifelong job of being a Mum is the highest and noblest work in the world and I am privileged to get an offer through my little miracle.
I will enjoy and treasure every moment. Every puke, smile, slap(sad face), bite, kiss and hug because there is no way to be a perfect mother but a million ways to be a good one.
Welcome to Motherhood.
#motherhood #koko #dabi #family #mytostos #love #iwilldoanythingforthem
Omotayo's Thoughts 